Friday, June 02, 2006

once, when i lived in a small town in central pa in order to attend a small liberal arts college, i saw a dead squirrel laying on the pathwalk on the morning stroll to class. it was laying stretched out on its back and its neck had been freshly sliced with a knife. yes, someone murdered a squirrel and then left it for the birds to kick it around.

ok so its not like squirrels are endangered, especially in central pa on the campus of SU, where it was once estimated that squirrels out-numbered students by 2to1. where we considered changing our mascot from a Crusader to a Squirrel, because SU Squirrels never hurt anyone. Some students had even named a Squirrel or two that they had recognized on a daily basis. Hence when I came across the Murdered squirrel I was appalled and well...disgusted.

whenever I would see a Squirrel post-graduation it would trigger some lovely memories of SU and I would always try to suppress the above situation. therefore, I have had only positive things to say about the creature. as far as i knew, they were innocent animals who kept there distance from humans, ran around open green spaces, up and down trees, ate acorns and basically made my campus look pretty, peaceful, and nature friendly.

however, within the past few days my view on Squirrels has changed, drastically. Now, I am scared of them and I definitely think that they are mean and dirty creatures. You see, the squirrels in Ohio are black and not very afraid of people. They squil at me and hop at a leisurely pase out in front of me on my rollerblades on the paved pathway at the local park. Several times this week I have had to slam on my break and stop short, only for the Squirrel to turn around and taunt me with its evil laugh and hop off the pathway. (I'm really afraid i'm going to run over one of them one of these days OR WORSE get bit by one.)

Yes, indeed, Squirrels are mean. And Unfortunately they are invading my park!! what am I suppose to do? how did Squirrels get so mean? why are they black and where did they all come from?

here is my theory.
I think that SU campus became so overpopulated with Squirrels and after the murder a posse of squirrels decided to form a gang to fight back. the gang was going to need money and quick. the best way to make money at SU is to sell drugs. so seeing how there is no drugs to be bought in central pa the gang decided they needed to travel to either baltimore or cleveland to buy in bulk. (now, I never said that Squirrels were smart) they headed to cleveland. on their way here they travelled through pennsyvania cool mine country and the pollution of the mining darkened their fur. Amish kids where so bored they threw rocks at the gang as they hopped thru their farms, making the Squirrels bitter toward humans. and once they finally arrived in cleveland, they did what they came to do... bought bulks of drugs. however, they quickly realized they had no way of transporting their purchase back to central pa. so the Squirrels settled in my local park and become users.

sad i know, but its my fault. i should have reported the murder.


Blogger concha said...

this freak in my high school wrote "beware of the squirrles" in my yearbook. i just thought he was weird, maybe he was right.

8:40 AM  
Blogger Anj said...

Even the gray squirrels like to taunt people by jumping out in front of our cars almost causing accidents...

almost hit a parked car twice because of their games of chicken.

3:07 PM  

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